Baby Mumma - The concept of strength and happiness

Well it is about time I updated Boston's journey for those of you who are not in direct contact with the news source. The past two months have been dotted with appointments with all shapes, sizes and colours of specialists. Plastics, neuro, eyes, physio, occupational therapy, genetics and general paediatrics. Everyone is very pleased with how his surgery went and with his upbeat amazing skills at recovering (my words not theirs). So what comes next? NEXT far out I thought it was over!! (that is the super optimistic me).... yes what needs to happen next to balance our little man (the realistic me).

Bond look

It is likely that Boston will have another major surgery before his second birthday to reshape the back of his head, although this hasn't been put in ink as yet. The surgery will once again give his brain more room to develop normally and reduce the chance of intracranial pressure. He is booked in to have eye surgery in the next couple of months to attempt to lift his right lid up, though there is uncertainty about the outcome. A sling will be inserted that opens when the brow is lifted, unfortunately little people who have had cranial vault reconstruction also have had the muscles in their heads cut through, which can affect how much they can raise their eyebrows and give the bond look. However if the surgery is a success they will do a second surgery to straighten his eyes. There will be lots of patching to come so get your pirate voices ready arrgggghh!!!

mini pirate and crazy stead

Genetics are a bit puzzled at Bozzies totally normal blood tests. Due to quite a few physical indicators they believe he may have a syndrome that is also linked with craniosynostosis, but the proof is not conclusive yet. The current plan is to run more in depth tests on his DNA and see where the double helix leads. Finally, the physio's and OT's are happy with his recent jumps in development even though he remains behind the eight ball.

Apart from all of that our little man is nearly one and an absolute champion. He is commando crawling all over the place and has a wicked scream picked out for his frustrated moments (like YAY for us). Sooooo what has all this got to do with the concept of strength and happiness? Well I must say the past year has been unexpected and challenging, and full of the most beautiful praise from those we love. "You guys are doing amazing" and "You're so strong" are phrases we happily hear quite often. Yet my head does not always get it. I am proud of the attitude and approach we have taken to Boston's medical journey, but I also think there is hardly a choice.

We often look at situations from the outside and think how incredibly hard they would be, that we could not cope with anything like it. At this very moment I have close friends facing challenges with the most amazing attitude and strength...maybe I inspire them...I know for sure they inspire me. We see people endure hardship and we see their strength of character, the best side of the person they are.  It is hard to place your self in their shoes. But when the shoes are on something amazing happens...You look to the most positive aspect of the situation, you are aware of the knowledge and wisdom you are gaining, you see others that are in far harder struggles then yourself. When you get backed into a difficult corner you either accept it and snuggle in with a big cup of cocoa, or you stand there frightened and miserable forever. Human's are programmed to find happiness, it is a concept I first heard of in a talk given by Dan Gibert (I thoroughly recommend you watch it). My life so far has proved his point correct, we really do just want to choose the cocoa.

Don't worry be happy bro

With all this in mind take some weight off your own shoulders, because no matter what challenge comes your way you will find the strength, learn the lessons, inspire those around you and find happiness.

p.s this doesn't mean we do not have poo days, cry regularly or would choose all the medical interventions that Boston has to have.
p.p.s nonetheless it does mean that we are eternally grateful to the universe for every bit of it.
p.p.p.s please continue the praise because it makes us feel amazing xoxoxox

Baby Mumma - Break out the aprons I AM A HOMEMAKER!

Well it has taken ten months but I seem to be finally grasping (and let's face it...accepting) my new role. Months ago a beautiful friend of mine recommend I read a book  called "You are your child's first teacher" by Rahima Baldwin Dancy. Like most things these days it took me a while to actually check it out from the local library, but I am glad I did.

During pregnancy I read a lot of books about my developing baby, morphing body and birth. Fast forward a year later, I am well and truly a mum and yet to pick up a parenting book. Okay okay lets be fair...parenting is a lot of learning as you go, especially when you hardly have time to shower let alone get comfy with a good read. But now we are all into a better rhythm of family life and I was surprised at how inspiring researching my new "job" could be.

I have learnt that in all facets of life you should gather knowledge from many sources and choose what feels right for you. Not everything in this book resonates with me but all and all there is a lot of food for thought and some total gems. The big one for me being the role of homemaker. It is tricky in this day and age to grasp what a homemaker is, I certainly had not thought about how I could embrace my new role. To be honest when I told people I didn't plan to head back to work anytime soon I felt even a little hmmm... ashamed is too harsh a word but down the same alley. In my head the thought pattern went "fantastic I am a mum now! but what else can I/should I be as well? I still need to pursue a career right? because being a mum isn't enough?? how daft is my head? or is it everyone heads?"

Rahima talks about creating a sanctuary for your family to live and grow within, a retreat from other stresses in life, a place where a certain rhythm guides us through the days, weeks and years. It has sparked in me a motivation to create an actual home that we can all find peace and love within. In turn I now feel like I have more purpose, this book gave my role more importance then I had previously allowed it.

Here are some other points from Rahima that I have been sinking my teeth and mind into.

1. Creating rhythm in life each day, each week and each year by saying prayer before meals, reading a particular lullaby before bed, having Thursdays as baking day or park day or craft day! Celebrating birthdays, cultural events and the changing of seasons to embrace the special times of each year. 
2. Allowing children to become part of our lives without being the constant centre of attention by welcoming them to help with what needs to be done and allowing them time for independent play and exploration.
3. The less is more concept (explored much more in Simplicity Parenting another parenting book, by Kim John Payne, which I am currently devouring at an even faster rate, but more about that one next time.).

Love

On the eve of my first mothers day I find myself filled with love. I have been making a very conscience effort in the past week to really be aware of my world. At times life seems so hectic that one day rolls into the next and we forget to be thankful or to relish our joys.

Last night I was buzzing from a busy day of motherhood, tossing dinner together before I planned to veg on the couch for 45 minutes then climb into bed before the usual broken nights sleep. Then I stopped...I could hear Steven reading Boston a bed time story, and I took a moment to see the reality of the now I was living. I looked at the fresh wholesome food in my hands, I listened to my family and I said to my self three times, "I am at the end of a beautiful day, preparing wonderful fresh food for my family, in our home, while I listen to the man I have been in love with for over a decade read to our amazing son." I felt very blessed, yet this is a normal night for me, so I must be one lucky girl.

Baby mumma - Metopic Craniosynostosis

Mum worries about my head...
I am worried about her being crazy embarrassing

Boston is one little man who goes against the odds. He was conceived from luvin 5 days before I should have been fertile, along with only 5% of other babies he was born on his due date and like only 1 in about 15,000 he has Metopic Craniosynostosis (still trying to pronounce that one).

What does that mean exactly...in simple terms at some point during his time in my belly the two bones that form Boston's forehead fused together. This would not happen to most children until they reach around six years old. For Mr B it means a ridge runs vertically on his forehead, his eyes a slightly closer together, his right eye has trouble opening and his head is taller but smaller in circumference. That is the outside, on the inside his brain has a little less room then most babies his age and his bones are slightly different in shape.

What we know for sure is that Boston will have surgery to split the fused bone sometime before he is 12 months old. It is a procedure that happens quite a lot with great results and the experts tell us that after surgery it will be hard to pick that there was anything out of the norm with Bozzies skull. What we do not yet know is whether there will be other affects caused by the syndrome, either physical or with cognitive function, but time will tell as it always does.

Becoming a parent adds a dimension to life, suddenly you are responsible for an entire human being, undeniably with that responsibility comes new worries and concerns. Comprehending what exactly Metopic Craniosynostosis means to me has been difficult.

From day one the medical professionals have been very positive and optimistic. We keep a close eye on his development, making sure he reaches milestones like smiling, grasping, cooeing etc (and with some he is ahead of time *proud*). We make sure he see's the local health care nurses to check weight and growth every two weeks, every six weeks we visit our wonderful paediatrician at Tweed who keeps us up to date with results and more specific health issues, then it is a waiting game to see when exactly the team at The Mater Children's Hospital will schedule surgery (but so far they plan between 8 and 10 months). In general the attitudes are really relaxed and so in general I feel completely fine about Boston's little forehead journey.

But he is still my baby boy and I still worry. I worry about the unknown. Will the surgery go as planned? Will it have long lasting affects we do not yet know? Will he struggle to learn new things or grasp new concepts? Will he be bullied about looking unique? Will this little part of him define who he is in any sort of random negative way? The essence of any question is will his wellbeing be affected?

When I begin to worry too much I play a little game in my head. I remind myself that no matter how much we love our children their future is always unknown. I remind myself that any child will have to face many challenges, we can never know what they will be. I convince myself that no matter the challenge Boston has to face his dad and I will give him the tools to work his way through, and when we don't have answers we will still be unshakable support.

I do not know why Boston was given this challenge but I know it is teaching me acceptance, maybe that is a lot of what being a parent is about, accepting we can not control our children's journey, we can only guide and support them with all our best intentions.

Where is my little bit of magic?

When I was 19 an older friend looked at me with frustration and called me naive. It made me so mad. Just because I believed there was good in everyone and saw beauty in the world, THAT made me naive?!

In a week I turn 28, now I sort of know where she was coming from. Since I was 19 I have had my heart broken several times, lost friends, realised dream jobs were not so dreamy, been conned, been used, realised the world is broken, realised humans are generally to blame, have accepted some problems are literally too big, watched my friends battle for their relationships and as a whole realised happily ever after involves a hell of a lot of bumpy roads. In truth my 20's have been a hard slap in the face, not overly traumatic by any means, but still enough to crush my "naivety". 

The problem is that too often I hear myself sapping the magic out of life. I do not believe in the fairy tale any more and so I whinge and whine about the "realities" of life. You know...now that I am so wise and realise the truth. I can not help but wonder though that if I am so wise why do I ache for the magic of being 19? I am not talking about the late nights, cocktails and wrinkle free skin. I am talking about the hope and belief that anything is possible, seeing goodness in the world, having dreams and really thinking they will come true.

A bit of magic?

Now I have a little person in my life who will laugh and coo with so much joy at what I can only figure out to be a ray of light on the wall. I love Boston so much it aches right down in my belly and it makes me really want to find that magic in life, because quite frankly I want to share it with him.

So this little rambling post on a public holiday night is me making a promise to wake up each day and look for my magic. It has been lost a while but I know it is here somewhere, I get glimpses of it and I think it is about time I stopped whinging about life and start celebrating it.

I hope you all do the same xox

The Remover of Obstacles

A few months ago I was lucky enough to take a trip to the Crystal Castle with my mum and aunty. For those of you who haven't been it is a bit like a magical spiritual garden, located in the oh so magically spiritual Byron Bay hinterland. There is a beautiful gardens, giant buddhas, wandering monks and a deliciously delightful cafe.

Back to the point of this blog though. The last ooooo lets say 12 months have been challenging in places to say the least. It seems like everyone around me felt the brunt of 2011, I therefore assume a few of you can identify with what I am babbling on about. So when I was wandering around the little shops of the Crystal Castle staring at the many spiritual idols who stared right back at me, I began to be drawn to a inquisitive little fellow called Ganesh.

I will happily admit that I recognised the Elephant headed Hindu god as The Remover of Obstacles  not in small part to my, some may say sad, adoration of the 'Eat, Pray, Love' book and equivalent movie (please do not judge me). This particular statue had kind eyes and his head tilted just so as if to invite curiosity. So I decided to take Ganesh home for a little bit of help with the brick walls that I just kept running into, figuratively speaking and not like the one the broke my arm when I was five.

I smiled when the shop lady told me Ganesh was fantastic for children as she grinned at my pregnant belly, my intuition must have steered me right when I pick this little god. I placed Ganesh next to my bed and looked to him before I rested my head at night, yes life was going to run smoothly from now on.

Problem is the brick walls kept coming. Now I am not talking about fort knox sort of walls, less like brick in fact and more like ply wood. Little situations that needed attention here, there and everywhere. I would try to get organise and then a phone call or message would spiral life into uncertainty again. Planning would take place and then be broken down, happen again, then be broken down again, again, again. I would look to Ganesh, his inquisitive gaze and take a deep breath, reminding myself that these obstacles would be removed, and it was a some what comforting thought.

There came a time though when all these little ply walls were beginning to wear me down and I went in search of answers from the all powerful wiki (yes, I am aware this isn't a completely reliable reference source).


He is popularly worshipped as a remover of obstacles, though traditionally he also places obstacles in the path of those who need to be checked. Paul Courtright says that  "his task in the divine scheme of things, his dharma, is to place and remove obstacles. It is his particular territory, the reason for his creation."

Hmmmm I thought to myself. I had to laugh. This tricky little God, what is he trying to prove to me?

Life is not a smooth ride, those who tell you otherwise I fear may be deluding themselves. These walls I keep running into they are challenging, especially when I know the outcome I seek and recognise walls need to be broken to reach it. You know what though, I am breaking through. Life can take effort, a bit of elbow grease here and there. Ganesh highlighted my obstacles, YES, but he also highlighted my triumphs.

The lesson to be learnt is do not be scared when life does not deal you a perfect hand. You are the creator, do not be scared off by a few ply walls, or brick walls, or iron walls! The obstacles will be removed if you have the courage to move them.