I just finished watching a movie that lit a bit of inspiration inside my belly. I feel poetic, despite the fact I have never written a poem in my life (well at least one that I felt in any way proud of). It is the new year, I am not too sure what it means to you, but for me at least January brings about reflection and hope. As cynical as I sometimes feel, in my heart of hearts I am a romantic and I dream about finding passion in every inch of life.
I have always felt at a loss when considering what my true passion is, what I could do that would feed inspiration and get me excited about waking up each morning. I guess I am speculating mainly in a career sense. The thing is I know something that makes me feel so whole and complete, that I love to do, that feels right and leaves me smiling from ear to ear. It is writing. But I just have never seen how I could make writing a career, in my head it seems impossible (which is a little insane considering it is an accepted and very real occupation). Until I started this blog my writing was shared with my teachers and my partner, the later occurred usually when my journal was left lying around. Now I share my love and my life with all of you.
This post is to say thank you. Thank you for letting me share this thing I love, thank you for enjoying and thank you for telling me you are enjoying. Because honestly, it makes me very happy.
xox
Monday, January 14, 2013
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Baby mumma - fear and all the good stuff that follows
The brown hair, blue-green eyes and strong chin family. |
" When I became a mum I realised how much I could love. I can love so much that it makes my heart ache on a daily basis. The thought that something "bad" could happen to this person that is so new to the world but who I just love with almost irrational depth is a little horrifying. The problem is that is already sort of happening. Boston's little skull is just not right, it is fused in places that it shouldn't yet be, it has wide gaps in places where small gaps should be, it is a bit like swiss cheese in quality and unfortunately not doing the greatest job of doing it's job (that is housing a developing brain). He is more unique then I had even realised, it is not only metopic craniosynostosis, the peds don't know exactly what to label it, but it is out of the ordinary even for the already out of the ordinary.
All I know is that my brain just got the message. The message says "This is not the small deal you were making of it, it is a big deal, maybe you should feel scared." So here I am feeling scared.
The state I have been in since sitting down with our team of experts and getting "the message" is a little on the confusing side. It is something like a touch of grief, mixed with a sprinkling of unknown, added to fear of what "may" be. I assume they are all pretty normal emotional reactions to have when you have gotten the message that your child is facing a serious medical challenge. I say confusing because even though I want and need to feel the grief and fear I also get to look at Boston laughing and squealing all day completely oblivious to any sort of challenge that doesn't involve sleeping, eating or pooing. It really is a beautiful dichotomy of emotions, all surrounding one special dude.
The things that matter, that will last and be eternal, are the laughing and the squeling. The grief, the unknown, the fear, they will all pass soon enough. Feeling all the emotions is really important, recognising that they are there for a valid reason, but in the end I will accept what is happening because there is simply no other choice then to accept. There is no reason why this has happened it just has. Like all things in life we choose to see the light or the dark."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)